 |
| Four Tips For Harmonious Family |
Harmonious family living is about creating open communication, respect and even discipline. A household can be peaceful without being silent! It is about respecting each other, treating each individual as an individual, being consistent with your boundaries and communicating in an effective manner.
1. Respect Each Other
Within a family each member needs to know they are loved and appreciated by the others. One way we can show this is to respect them, their ideas, and their property. For example, if someone is feeling sad or lonely don't just disregard this. Ask why and listen to their reasons. Don't feel the need to fix the problem for them.
We can show respect simply by being polite to one another. A simple please and thank you goes a long way. Or a "How was your day" and listening to the answer.
To show respect for someone's ideas and opinions does to not mean we have to agree with them. We all need to have our say and share our ideas though. Sometimes children come up with wonderful ideas, other times they come up with not so good ideas. But it is through the hindsight of adult wisdom that we can see the idea may not be viable. Children see the world in a different way. Listening to their ideas creates a wonderful learning environment, you can explain why an idea might not work, let them find out for themselves (as long as it doesn't harm them) or utilize their idea.
Similarly many people no longer respect the aged. Perhaps there is frustration that their pace has slowed down or maybe we believe they don't have anything important to say. This group of people has a lifetime of experience and a lot of knowledge to pass on.
2. Treat each person as an individual
It is interesting to hear people say, "I treated all of my children equally". Why would we want to do this when each child (or family member) is unique? They have their own strengths, values, wants and goals. Each person feels differently, understands differently and sees the world from their perspective. By treating everyone the same way, we deny the individuality of people.
This doesn't mean highlighting the differences - it is about admiring them, embracing them and cherishing them. For example some people are better at sports, others at arts or building things. We don't need to say to each other, "they are better than you at sport, you stick to your drawing". We need to encourage each other. Instead try "you are wonderful at drawing and your sports are really coming along".
Often we get caught in the trap of boxing people in. We believe Child 1 is good at sports and Child 2 is good at reading and writing. However, if we overstate this, children can use this to limit themselves. They might say "oh I am good at this activity but not that", therefore they don't even need to try other things. In the end we want our children to be a balanced, well rounded and able to try new things without fear.
3. Be consistent with your boundaries
Boundaries are important both in our lives and in disciplining our children. When we are inconsistent in holding our boundaries it can be confusing for our children because they don't know when you might change your mind.
Whether it is with children, parents, friends, family or work we can enforce our boundaries. For example if you have set a special day or evening to have with you family and a friend asks for help or work asks you to come in that day, you can say no. Keeping your promise to your family is more important than whatever else may come up.
When we want cooperation from our children we can simply have boundaries in place and adhere to them. We need to communicate these boundaries and make sure that children understand the consequences of going beyond the boundary. And not with an empty threat, but use an enforceable, logical consequence. When dealing with little children logic is different. You can link acceptable behaviours with rewards and treats. For example use as a marble in the jar technique. Have a glass jar with marbles in it. When children are behaving well or make a good decision let them put a marble in the jar. When they misbehave, take a marble out or the jar. The goal is to fill the entire jar, which is when you might have a special treat for them, such as a trip to a special park or an afternoon playing all of their games.
To make anything stick however, we must be consistent. It is no good deciding upon boundaries and letting them slide when you are too tired or too busy. You may have to stop what you are doing to deal with whatever the problem is.
4. Communicating
When did you last feel truly listened to? When you were sharing an idea or story did the other person ask you more questions or did they wait until a pause and share their idea or story? Most of us do not know how to listen. But you can learn to listen well.
Next time you are talking with someone, listen to understand him or her. Ask them questions. Find out more about the way they think. Ignore the voice wondering when you can interrupt with your own story. You will be surprised at how much you can learn about someone, which will strengthen your bond.
And when you are the one doing the talking, notice yourself. Notice if you embellish things to make them more interesting. Notice whether you are sharing the real you, or is it just what you think they want to hear. Communicating is about showing and sharing your true self. We can have deeper more meaningful relationships when we really communicate with one another.
These are just a few ideas you can use to maintain harmony in your family life. Remember it is not about silence. It is about meaningful exchanges, appreciation and allowing each family member to be who they are.
Margit Cruice is a Life and Family Coach with global coaching experience. You can contact Margit through her website Click here]